Shouldn't That Be a Dixie Cup?

 

 LONDON––Speaking to an assembly of Catholic priests in London yesterday, Pastor of St. Philip Neri Catholic Church in nearby Chigwell, England Fr. Timothy Rooney announced yesterday that he would be transforming his church into a more eco-friendly environment, and encouraged those gathered to follow his lead. “Parishioners considering our churches as a place to pray will ask about our green initiatives. It is important for us to reassure them that we are pursuing practices for a greener environment,” Rooney said, as he pulled out the new biodegradable chalice he would be using for Mass. “Gone are the days when we used precious metals for chalices. Just imagine how many wasted, jeweled chalices litter and pollute the earth ever since we switched to glass chalices. It’s sickening. We are essentially sending a mixed signal every time we say Mass using a precious metal. We’re saying, ‘Welcome and thank you for coming, Jesus…and now behold as we destroy your earth.'” But biodegradable chalices aren’t the only “green” religious supplies being used at St. Phillip Neri Catholic Church. Rooney went on to explain that he would be replacing all religious images with with the recycling symbol, or an image of the earth with the word Environment written beneath it. “The fact is, everyone gets the point that Jesus died for us. But people obviously aren’t getting the point that this earth is dying for us as well. Must everyone or everything die to prove their love for us?”

The Trouble With Jesuits, Part 83

 

A new study from the Center for Belief in Washington, D.C. has found that 85% of Jesuits worldwide doubt the very existence of their founder, St. Ignatius of Loyola.

The study, which simply asked priests in The Society of Jesus whether or not they believed that St. Ignatius, one of the most beloved saints in Church history, every existed, revealed that most not only did not believe he ever did exist, but that they had lost faith in him during seminary.

“I think it’s all a fairy tale,” said once Jesuit, Fr. James O’Conner. “He’s as real as the tooth fairy, if you ask me. Honestly, prove to me that he did exist…how about that? Perhaps he did, perhaps he didn’t, and that’s the key. I have no problem with people that believe in some guy in the sky praying for us, but I’m just not one of them. Anyhow, I gotta go say Mass.”

A fellow priest of O’Conner’s, Fr. Reginald Wallace posed a question to EOTT, asking why a good and loving saint would ever allow God to allow suffering.

“Either Ignatius isn’t praying hard enough for us, which makes him cruel, or he just doesn’t exist, and I tend to believe the latter.”

At press time, Wallace has admitted that one of those sufferings that he has had to endure since becoming a priest, and therefore allowed by Ignatius, is having to hear tedious confessions once a year.

 

I'm Surprised Governor Cuomo Didn't Think of This First

In the midst of the political firestorm regarding Montgomery Elementary School student Adrian Townsend’s right to wear a cross necklace, the Chicago School Board announced today that crosses, crucifixes, and lower case T’s would be banned in all public schools in the Chicago Unified School District.
“We feel that things such as the cross may be offensive to those students who have no religious affiliation,” President of the Chicago School Board Jennifer Adams told the EOTT, adding that the school district had also decided on not only banning crosses, but anything at all that may resemble a cross. “We’ve had a complaint from one concerned parent who said that her son had come home after hours of practicing his lower case ‘t,’ telling her that Jesus had died for her sins and that she was to repent.”
A spokesman for the mother says that it now takes her son much longer to read a sentence, since he stops to kiss every ‘t,’ and to utter the words, ‘My Lord and my God,’ before continuing.

Nothing To See Here....Move Along

Hours after the first day of the Vatican Sex Abuse Summit concluded yesterday, Pope Francis stood before close to 200 participants and a small gathering of reporters and announced that “all went well,” before going on to tell everyone that they were “welcome to now leave.”

“Thank you so very much for your concern,” Francis told reporters. “Honestly, it really means a lot that you’re here and reporting on this very important matter that we’re all taking super seriously as can be seen by this summit that we were not at all pressured to do, but did it because we care. But, after a full day of work on this matter—many hours, mind you—we’ve figured it all out. And it wasn’t even that hard too, I gotta be honest.”

The pope went on to exhort those in attendance to leave the Vatican and to please start focusing on other “crazy things going on in the world.”

“So what’s up with this whole Zion and his shoe blowing out thing? Crazy, right? You think he should stop playing until he gets into the NBA? You guys should totally focus on that and I’d totally be down to give you guys quotes and stuff if you guys wanted it.”

After being asked what steps the Vatican planned on taking to address sex abuse in the future, Francis said that the details were “rock solid” and that “this kinda thing won’t happen again.”
“Trust me, it’s super complicated and, to be honest, kinda tedious. I don’t wanna bore you and waste your time with the details. Just leave here knowing that it’s all figured out. Like, totally figured out.”

What? During the USCCB "Building Communities of Welcome" Week?

Mexican President Obrador Calls For Border Wall To Help Keep Out Drunk College Students From Entering Country During Spring Break

Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador took to national television Tuesday night in his battle over his proposed border wall to keep out drunk college students from the country during spring break.

Describing the situation at places like Cabo San Lucas and Puerto Vallarta during the months of February and April as a “growing crisis,” Obrador urged Congress to give him close to $97 billion pesos to keep out “undesirables.”

“This is a crisis of debauchery—a crisis of the heart and of the liver,” Obrador said. “For the Mexican people, it is a mental crisis. Yes, we make money during these months, but at what cost?”

Obrador went on to say that every year, “hundreds of thousands of Katlyns, Brittanys, Tiffanys, Taylors, and Kaitlyns pour into this country from different sororities every year, endangering the mental security of the Mexican people.”

“That’s not even counting the wolves that accompany many of these women—the Brads, Chads, Dillons, Zachs, and, of course, Connors,” the President went on to say.

In a brief joint response from Southern California, Fraternity and Sorority leaders Chelsea and Dax accused Obrador of being lame.

Nancy Pelosi Named Speaker Of The Church

Nancy Pelosi became the most powerful person in the Catholic Church today as she was elected Speaker of the Church in America.
The Catholic democrat vowed to “reach across the pews and across the divisions in this great Church.”
“American Catholics want a Church that delivers results for the people, even if those results are completely at odds with Church teaching they have heard in the past,” Pelosi said with gavel in hand. “As speaker of the Church in America, I begin my new role as the God’s mouthpiece until he returns to America.”

Noted Theologian Nancy Pelosi

Pelosi’s new role allows her to speak ex cathedra when she is speaking about faith or morals while holding the gavel.
“Marriage between two men or two women is henceforth consistent with Catholic teaching. Actually, let me amend that. Marriage between anything other than two men or two women is henceforth inconsistent with Catholic teaching, and there for invalid. Gay marriage or no marriage. Your choice. Speaking of choice…”

The Giant Bus

The Vatican said this past weekend that it had reached an agreement with China on the process of constructing the “largest, most biggest ever” bus to throw Chinese Catholics under.
The deal paves the way for bishops and laity who have been faithful to the Rome to be “royally screwed for their loyalty,” while rewarding bishops created without papal approval.
“For Pope Francis, the construction of the mega bus has been one of his most ambitious ventures to date,” says Ben Tammany, senior adviser to the Vatican. “It’s an effort to broaden the appeal of the Church no matter what the cost.”

Francis has drawn criticism from many Catholic opponents, who say the Church shouldn’t “screw over people who have been faithful to the Pope” with this joint venture with an atheist country that has targeted and harassed Catholics with surveillance and persecution. Others, though, say that it is of the utmost importance to Catholicism in the region to “screw over people who have been faithful to the Pope” with this joint venture with an atheist country that has targeted and harassed Catholics with surveillance and persecution.

Is This True???

 From Eye of the Tiber (so I guess, no):


The world’s most famous pope foresees no early end to his papacy.

 
The Pope’s handlers announced Friday that Pope Francis had seen his own shadow earlier that day.

Legend has it that if the furry Pope casts a shadow on the feast of St. Agatha, the people of the world are to expect no less that six more decades of the Francis papacy, or at least Francis-like papacy.

“It’s really a cool thing to see,” said Alice Moya, just one of the hundreds of spectators that gathered at the Vatican Friday. “It’s one of those things that you hope to one day scratch off your bucket list.

Bundled up and dancing to music in the freezing cold, another visitor, Tabatha O’Neill, told EOTT that the event was all that she had imagined.

“The event was really fun. One of the Pope’s handlers took him out of his cage, a humble looking cage, of course, and pulled him up by the scruff of his neck. Then he pretended to listen to something Francis was saying before finally announcing that the Pope had announced 60 more years of his papacy. That’s when I threw up. A lot of people booed while others cheered. Then, as is custom, everyone went on to their blogs or other website comboxes and started going apeshit at each other. It was fun.”

Don't Drive Angry

Update on the Shutdown

 From Eye of the Tiber:

Hundreds of thousands of priests from around the world have either been sent back to the rectory or have been told to not show up to say Masses today as clerical furloughs took affect midnight due to the Vatican shutdown.
Cardinal Robert Sarah delivered an ominous warning to cardinals gathered at the Vatican this morning, saying that “The shutdown is going to get a lot worse tomorrow if the Pope doesn’t act immediately.”
Essential spiritual services such as Confessions, Anointing of the Sick, and Masses will continue, although no public Masses will be allowed.

Still, liberal Catholic cardinals are insisting the shutdown is “not nearly as bad” as the last time this happened under Pope Benedict XVI, but many still see this as a blemish on Francis’ legacy.
It was Francis, after all, who during the 2013 papal conclave famously criticized Pope Benedict, saying, “A clerical shutdown falls on the Pope’s lack of leadership. He can’t even control his Church and get people together in a room. A shutdown means the Pope is weak.”
“Problems start from the top, and they have to get solved from the top, and the Pope’s the leader, and he’s got to get everybody in a room, and he’s got to lead,” then-Cardinal Bergoglio said in a radio interview in 2013. “And he doesn’t do that, he doesn’t like doing that, that’s not his strength. And that’s why you have this horrible situation going on in Rome. It’s a very, very bad thing and it’s very embarrassing worldwide.”
When asked what he would do if he were pope, Francis said “Well, very simply, you have to get everybody in a basilica. You have to be a leader. The pope has to lead. He’s got to get whoever’s head of Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith and everybody else in a basilica, and they have to make a deal. You have to be nice, and be angry, and be wild, and cajole, and do all sorts of holy things. But you have to get a deal.”

MA! The Bishops Are Being Mean To Me!

Denver, Colo., Dec 1, 2017 / 05:00 pm (CNA/EWTN News).- In a newsletter issued earlier this year, the U.S. Catholic bishops addressed questions regarding whether Sunday and Holy Day Mass obligations can be fulfilled with a “two-for-one” Mass attendance at Christmas this year.
In a “relatively rare” situation which last occurred in 2006, Christmas Day this year falls on a Monday.
Because Catholics are obliged to attend Mass for Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation, some have asked whether a Sunday evening Mass on Christmas Eve would fulfill both the obligation for a Sunday Mass and the obligation for a Christmas Day Mass. T

The U.S. Bishop’s Committee on Divine Worship has said the faithful should attend two Masses to fulfill their Sunday and Christmas Mass obligations.
Since the mid-twentieth century, the Church has allowed for Catholics to attend vigil, or anticipated, Masses for Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation as “a convenience for many of the faithful.”

In the case of two consecutive days of obligation, as at Christmas this year, the “prevailing view of many canon lawyers is that each obligation must be fulfilled with a separate Mass,” the bishops said.
“Thus, when consecutive obligations occur on Saturday-Sunday or Sunday-Monday, the faithful must attend Mass twice to fulfill two separate obligations.” 

I thought this was resolved. I read it in eyeofthetiber.com:

 Washington, DC–A spokesman for the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops announced today that beginning tomorrow on the Feast of the Ascension of the Lord, every holyday of obligation listed on the Liturgical Calender, including Sundays, would from here on be deferred to Easter. The announcement came as welcomed news to many Catholics who found the near-impossible obligations imposed on them by their bishops simply too difficult to fulfil. Spokesman for the USCCB Sister Maxine Howard told the press this morning that the removal of nearly every obligatory holyday was a long time coming. “This will most certainly come as a relief to many Catholics who were falling into sin because of unfeasible Church requirements.” One Catholic we spoke to outside the Church of St. Mark said that he agreed with the decision, and was relieved to know that he would no longer have to sacrifice any more of his time. “It’s not that I don’t like going to church…it’s just that I don’t like going to church days after I just went. And to think that from now on I’ll only be obliged to go once a year? It’s just too kind our bishops. They’re always looking out to make sure we don’t over-burden ourselves.”

We Thought You Was a Toad!

LOS ANGELES, CA (California Network) -- Two prisoners from the Italian town of Napoli used a lunch meeting with Pope Francis as a chance to escape. The prisoners were part of a group of 20 that was invited to a lasagna lunch with the Holy Father in the city of Bolonga on Oct. 1.
Volunteers noticed two of the prisoners were missing and alerted police. The escaped inmates have not been found. The prisoners were housed in a facility that holds prisoners for rehabilitation as well as people who are considered a danger to society. It is unknown if the escapees were in the facility for rehabilitation or because they were dangerous.

Here's the Eye of the Tiber version:


Two prisoners in Bologna, Italy escaped during their lunch with Pope Francis yesterday, reportedly fleeing back to their jail cells after what they called a “harrowing experience.”
The two inmates, who are serving time at a social reintegration facility in Castelfranco Emilia, told EOTT that, though the few bites of lasagna they ate before ditching the lunch were amazing, they just “couldn’t stomach” another minute listening to His Holiness apologize for everything the Church has ever done.
“Don’t get me wrong, it is quite an experience to meet the Pope,” said inmate Giovanni Rotunda. “But he kept bowing to me and asking me to pray for him. By the tenth time I was really beginning to miss the prison food.”
Fellow inmate Dominic Bapideeboopi told EOTT that Pope Francis spent nearly half an hour explaining why the death penalty was contrary to Church teaching.
“I’m like, ‘Dude, let me eat.’ Of course I didn’t say that out loud, but the thing is is that I was just trying to have a pleasant afternoon, and to be honest, I’m a prisoner and I still believe in the death penalty! For goodness sakes, between all the praying for him, apologies on behalf of the Church, his near constant request to wash my feet, I just couldn’t take it anymore.”

That’s when, Bapideeboopi said, he and Rotunda looked at each other and nodded.
“That was all it took. We knew we just had maybe another hour or two there, but life is short—and we’d rather be spending our time in jail trying not to get shanked than being spiritually shanked by odd catechesis, if you know what I’m saying.”

It Was Only A Matter of Time

Catholics parishioners across the U.S. protested during the Our Father Sunday in defiance of Pope Francis, who said that parishioners who kneel during the “Lord’s Prayer” should be denied communion.
Many parishioners sat, kneeled, or stayed inside restrooms during the recitation of the Our Father, with some pastors encouraging parishioners to express themselves.
Demonstrations began Sunday when nearly two dozen parishioners of Our Lady of Good Counsel parish took a knee. Other laymen who chose to remain standing locked arms, as opposed to holding hands.
Seattle parishioners announced they would not participate in the anthem as a city, saying, “We will no longer stand for the crappy catechesis in this country. Out of love for our Church, and in honor of Christ’s sacrifice made on our behalf, we unite to oppose those that would deny our most basic religious instructions. We remain committed in continuing to work towards better homilies and for better motu proprios.”

Swagger Wagon

The parking lot at St. Francis de Sales will be packed with these babies!

From Eye of the Tiber:

Just in time for back-to-homeschool, Ford’s roll-out of the new RAD-TRAD X9 is a nod toward its largest conversion van market segment: radical traditional Catholics.
The 15-passenger van, guaranteed to take up two or more parking spots at parish events, arrives at dealerships next week.
Intentionally built to pre-Vatican II safety standards, Ford’s engineers avoided certain modernist frills like seat-belts and air bags.  Nevertheless, reports suggest the RAD-TRAD X9’s low emissions of venial-grade wanderlust are fully California-compliant.

The van features automatic retractable steps for easier egress while wearing even the most frumpy modesty-ware.  State of the art, flat-earth-based GPS navigation,  spare chapel veil cubbies,  and parental media controls that block offensive stations like ESPN and EWTN are also included.
It comes standard with five controversial bumper stickers, most of which don’t make any sense to other drivers stuck behind the four-cylinder van, which reaches speeds as high as 50mph on the freeway.

Notre Dame Imitates the Eye of the Tiber

A Catholic university is under fire this week after school administrators accidentally hired 37-year-old Todd Alguire, a practicing Catholic, to head their Department of Theology.

Diocesan bishop Kevin Sterling  has now demanded an investigation into the ‘offensive’ hiring after rumors spread that students would need to “brush up on the fundamentals of the Catholic  faith” before beginning this upcoming semester.

Ryan Gurley, a sophomore who described himself as ‘devoutly spiritual,’ told EOTT that his refusal to participate in any further religion classes might lead to his suspension.

“I understand that I’ll eventually either be suspended, or I won’t ever be able to graduate, but I have to stand my ground. I’ll never cave when it comes to my faith. I’m a spiritual zealot, which means I faithfully believe in every religion – so long as it isn’t Christianity, of course.  And that’s why I now stand on my rights as an American citizen and Catholic to not be forced to have to learn the tenets of Catholicism in a Catholic school. What next, having to learn the fundamentals of analytic geometry in Calculus class?”

MEANWHILE....

At the University of Notre Dame, students walked out on a commencement address by Vice-President Mike Pence.

Speaking on Sunday ahead of his graduation, Bryan Ricketts told CNN he would be walking out after learning solidarity during his time at Notre Dame.

"Personally, I know Mike Pence's policies from his time as governor, when he tried to implement RFPA (The Religious Freedom Restoration Act) without civil rights protections for LGBTQ people. As a gay man, this directly impacted me. However, many graduates here have been directly targeted by other policies -- for example, those students and their families who are undocumented and who risk deportation to celebrate this milestone in their lives," Ricketts said.

Fellow protester Jenn Cha said it there needed to be space for dialogue between people of different beliefs. "However, it is an egregious insult to invite Pence to speak at the celebration of the accomplishments of university graduates, many of whom are LGBTQ, first-generation, low-income, and people of color he has actively supported legislation against," she said.

Guilty, You Honor

Not long after describing the various trials were going through to an acquaintance, sources are reporting that his promise to keep you in his prayers are completely worthless.

Sources on the scene say that the man in question, Thomas Keating, will not only not pray for you, but really wasn’t even paying that much attention to you as you were speaking to begin with, and therefore, wouldn’t even know what to pray for if he did remember, which of course, he won’t, because he never does.

“At best, Keating will remember you mentioning that you were going through something, and will halfheartedly say ‘Jesus help him,’ to ease his guilt for not praying for you, and that will be that,” the source told EOTT. “Yeah, don’t get your hopes up. He says the same thing to everyone. Our studies have shown that Mr. Keating only actually remembers to pray for 16% of the people that he has promised to pray for, much lower than the national Catholic average of 24%.”

At press time, thank you for reading this post, and please be assured of my prayers.

Every Church Has One!

Parishioners in the Southwest Indiana confirmed today that new parishioner Adriana Lambert is nothing more than a holier-than-thou, attention seeking parasite after she was seen kneeling to receive communion.

According to several eyewitnesses, 32-year-old Lambert, who was also seen wearing a mantilla “like some wanna be nun who didn’t have the guts to commit to the religious life” walked up to Fr. Kevin O’Donnell to receive the Body and Blood of Christ, and proceeded to kneel, though she clearly had seen no one else kneel.

“It was just pathetic if you want my opinion” said Fr. O’Donnell. “She came up for communion and knelt. I remember bending down to remind her that we weren’t in the middle ages anymore, but she insisted. Normally, I would’ve denied her communion right then and there for committing the mortal sins of pride and vanity, but I gave her communion just in case she didn’t know that kneeling for communion when no one else does makes you an attention whore who’s clearly in need of validation.”

After examining cell phone footage from the Mass, parish council representative Lauren Phillips said that Lambert was also seen not holding hands with the people next to her during the Our Father “as if she was better than them.”

When it comes to hand holding in church...

“I guess that’s what really grinds my gears,” Phillips told EOTT. “Who the hell does she think she is? Coming into our church and just keeping to herself, as though her communion with Jesus is more important than her communion with us. We are church. We are the mystical body. And it sadly appears that this mystical body has a cancer.”

She Now Has Something For Her First Confession

The Swiss Guard have arrested Estella Westrick from Atlanta, Georgia for several felony offenses Tuesday after she attempted to steal Pope Francis’ zucchetto in broad daylight.

The three-year-old was arrested on charges including theft, assault on a public figure, and resisting arrest from her father after throwing a temper tantrum.

Just after 12:40 p.m. on Tuesday, the Swiss Guard were forced into action after an assault complaint was made from a visibly shaken Pope Francis. Guards on scene determined the suspect attempted to force the zucchetto behind her back where no one would take it from her. Guards subsequently located the zucchetto in Westrick’s hand and immediately took her into custody.

She was arraigned early this morning, and her bond was set at 50,000 Ave’s. Westrick could face up to 1,000 years in purgatory or possible excommunication.

Wishful Thinking

Faye Dunaway's screw up last at the Oscars) she announced the wrong movie for Best Picture) got the gang at Eye of the Tiber thinking...

In an epic mistake that drew gasps from Catholics and non-Catholics around the world yesterday, Cardinal Protodeacon Jean-Louis Tauran recently announced that he mistakenly named Jorge Mario Bergoglio as pope at the 2013 Papal Conclave, when in reality it was Cardinal Raymond Burke that won the top prize.

The newly-elected Pope Francis was saying some random thing that would have made many Catholics scratching their heads when the interjection came that Burke had in fact been elected pope.

“I want to tell you what happened,” Tauran told press gathered at the Vatican yesterday. “I opened the envelope, and it said ‘Jorge Mario Bergoglio, La La Church.'”

“Burke,” the story of a white, Catholic, conservative man had already won best supporting cardinal for Making Things Look A Little Less Out Of Control.

“Very clearly, even in my prayers this could not be true,” Burke told those gathered in St. Peter’s Square. “But to hell with it, I’m done with it, because this is true. Oh my goodness.”

It was not immediately clear how the mistake was made, though EOTT tweeted out a photo that showed that the envelope in Tauran’s hand reading “Best Bishop Of A Diocese That Is Not The Diocese of Rome".

The Patron Saint of Students is Fed Up

Speaking to fellow saints in Heaven today, Franciscan saint Joseph of Cupertino announced that he was “simply fed up” with bailing out lazy students who “hardly even cracked open their books to study.”

“Let me begin by saying that I am in no way telling people not to pray to me,” a visibly frustrated Joseph of Cupertino said as he levitated above reporters. “But if you think I’m stupid enough to continue helping you when you clearly haven’t helped yourself, well, you got another thing coming. And that thing is coming in the form of a big, fat, celestial ‘F.’ Got that?”

Joseph of Cupertino went on to confirm that he still does petition God on a lazy student’s behalf when he or she prays to him, but that he asks the Lord to flunk the living heck out of them.

“Of course the Lord won’t deliberately fail anyone, but being a saint and all, I like to think my prayers carry some weight. If they didn’t, why would all these TAC students be bombarding me with prayers now?”

At press time, Joseph of Cupertino is just happy that the majority of students attending large Catholic universities like Notre Dame, Georgetown, and Boston College have no idea what prayer is, let alone who the heck he is.

Streep Takes on Cardinal Burke

Meryl Streep

Just moments after being honored at the Golden Globes for her lifetime of work, actress Meryl Streep took the opportunity to make a sustained attack on Cardinal Burke’s dubia.

In her four-minute address while accepting the award, the actress denounced Burke’s traditionalist rhetoric and criticized him for trying to bully the Pope.

“There was one performance this year that stunned me,” Streep said. “It sank its hooks in my heart. It was that moment when the person who once sat in one of the highest seats in the Vatican questioned Pope Francis. It kind of broke my heart when I read about the dubia and I still can’t get it out of my head because it wasn’t in a movie, it was real life. This instinct to humiliate and fraternally correct someone who hasn’t the power to answer the questions posed…it filters down into everyone’s spiritual life because it kind of gives permission for other people to dubia the Pope.”

Streep also went on to use her speech to highlight the importance of Catholic culture, pointing out how important it is, especially when it does not “in any way” intrude on the personal lives and choices of others.

“The Church is crawling with outsiders and foreigners, people they call nominals, and if you kick them all out of the communion lines, you’ll have nobody in your churches,” Streep said to huge applause from the room. “When the intellectually powerful use their position to bully others into justifying their actions, we all lose.”