Every Church Has One!

Parishioners in the Southwest Indiana confirmed today that new parishioner Adriana Lambert is nothing more than a holier-than-thou, attention seeking parasite after she was seen kneeling to receive communion.

According to several eyewitnesses, 32-year-old Lambert, who was also seen wearing a mantilla “like some wanna be nun who didn’t have the guts to commit to the religious life” walked up to Fr. Kevin O’Donnell to receive the Body and Blood of Christ, and proceeded to kneel, though she clearly had seen no one else kneel.

“It was just pathetic if you want my opinion” said Fr. O’Donnell. “She came up for communion and knelt. I remember bending down to remind her that we weren’t in the middle ages anymore, but she insisted. Normally, I would’ve denied her communion right then and there for committing the mortal sins of pride and vanity, but I gave her communion just in case she didn’t know that kneeling for communion when no one else does makes you an attention whore who’s clearly in need of validation.”

After examining cell phone footage from the Mass, parish council representative Lauren Phillips said that Lambert was also seen not holding hands with the people next to her during the Our Father “as if she was better than them.”

When it comes to hand holding in church...

“I guess that’s what really grinds my gears,” Phillips told EOTT. “Who the hell does she think she is? Coming into our church and just keeping to herself, as though her communion with Jesus is more important than her communion with us. We are church. We are the mystical body. And it sadly appears that this mystical body has a cancer.”