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Thursday, January 19, 2017

The Patron Saint of Students is Fed Up

Speaking to fellow saints in Heaven today, Franciscan saint Joseph of Cupertino announced that he was “simply fed up” with bailing out lazy students who “hardly even cracked open their books to study.”
“Let me begin by saying that I am in no way telling people not to pray to me,” a visibly frustrated Joseph of Cupertino said as he levitated above reporters. “But if you think I’m stupid enough to continue helping you when you clearly haven’t helped yourself, well, you got another thing coming. And that thing is coming in the form of a big, fat, celestial ‘F.’ Got that?”
Joseph of Cupertino went on to confirm that he still does petition God on a lazy student’s behalf when he or she prays to him, but that he asks the Lord to flunk the living heck out of them.
“Of course the Lord won’t deliberately fail anyone, but being a saint and all, I like to think my prayers carry some weight. If they didn’t, why would all these TAC students be bombarding me with prayers now?”
At press time, Joseph of Cupertino is just happy that the majority of students attending large Catholic universities like Notre Dame, Georgetown, and Boston College have no idea what prayer is, let alone who the heck he is.