How To Become A Priest

 From The Onion:

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest:

• Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply seduced by its promise of a glamorous life of chastity and contemplation
• Step 2: Decide whether to follow the path of the priesthood or pursue other key roles within the Church, such as catechist, deacon, or archangel

• Step 3: Before applying to seminaries, update your highlight reel with your best performances of the seven Holy Sacraments
• Step 4: Candidates must personally feel the call of God to spend a life in servitude of Him, though you won’t have to prove that or anything
• Step 5: Take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if your body type really works with a chasuble

• Step 6: Obtain letters of recommendation from two patron saints of your choice
• Step 7: Memorize the chart that assigns the amount of times one must repeat certain words in order for their actions to be forgiven
• Step 8: Seminary diploma is withheld until student defeats the Devil best of three in a game of the Devil’s choosing

• Step 9: Enjoy hard-earned 10 percent discount at participating Chili’s locations